Who am I

As I was sitting at my councilor waiting to be brought back I started to think, I can't be the only one dealing with this constant feeling of guilt. The Guilt that I failed in life, that I am not good for anything and that maybe I really am as bad as my Ex says I am. For those that have never been through a divorce, or child custody or Emotional or mental abuse, it is hard to understand, but for those of us that have been there, it makes you question your every move. 

My story began in 2003, My senior year of high school. It was a rough year for me, not in the typical sense because to those looking in I seemed to be ok. I had friends, I was on the cheer squad, and I was happy. However that summer my boyfriend had broke up with me, for a girl that was in rehab, that was closer to home, and well, we were to serious to young. However that summer I lost my best friend. I was ok not being in a relationship but I wasn't ok with our friendship to end the way it did. It put me in a dark place, I felt alone, isolated, and just upset. But it was high school love, there was no way it was going last. So we cut contact and things were never the same. 

I know this seems like a long time ago but it really was the beginning of my emotional spiral, it also is what lead me right into my nightmare.

About half way through the year, I started hanging out with my bosses son, my mom and I were fighting so I was looking for a support system that she offered that my mom couldn't. The short of the story was one night we were hanging out and well next thing I know he is on top of me, and I wasn't strong enough to stop it. I remember just going home, showering and thinking it was my fault. I should have said no, I should have ran and left, and I should have fought. The only good thing I did was cut off contact completely and took myself out of the situation so it didn't happen again. Later that year, I got sick, I started skipping school, I let my grades drop and I started gaining weight. I was in complete denial... I just wanted to finish my senior year and never see or think of him. I thought of abortion but that was a child, and it wasn't their fault. Would I be a murder, what would people think of me if they found out, what would I think of myself. How would I afford it, there is no way I can tell my mom, my dad isn't around, and I can't tell my friend. These were all things that went through my head. 

So here I was, 17, Alone with no job, trying to graduate, having to face this guy every day in the hall, all while pretending I was ok. That is a terrible place to be. But I just did what I had to do and graduated, barely but I did it all while hiding this secret that would change my life. 

In August I met a guy on line, Lets call him Clark. I started looking for friendship in yahoo chat rooms because well, I was fat, depressed and didn't want anyone to see me. It was easy hiding behind my computer and letting people get to know me without judgment. Well Some of my oldest friends and I decided to go to the mountains to a theater and I invited Clark along because he was new in town and didn't know anyone. That was the beginning to something that to this day I call my nightmare. We started dating and got really close, he was understanding, supportive, and everything I "needed" at the time. Fell in love with his family and we got close. One night I decided to tell him about what happened, I hadn't said it out loud and I was terrified. What if he left, what if he was mad, or thought I was trying to trap him. 

As we laid there that night, I told him, the first thing he said was, Don't think I am going to take responsibility for this. That should have been my first clue but well he apologized the next day, told me how sorry he was and that he would support any decision I made. To this day I think to myself how the hell could I forgive him for that comment. I get he was shocked but I trusted him. I was being very venerable and he crushed me. But I was stupid and forgave him and stayed, I let myself love him. On October 3, 2003 I went into labor and gave birth to a baby boy. 

That was the most frightening night of my life, I didn't know what was happening and I was calling and calling him and he wasn't there. Another red flag I should have noticed. I ended up getting my mom who what there with me. She never left my side and helped me to have the strength to give him up for adoption. To this day, I beat myself up wondering if I had made a different choice had he not said that to me. I had that comment in the back of my mind the whole time and I hate him for it. When I needed support, I felt judged, when I needed support, I felt pushed, when I needed support he wasn't really there. But again, I didn't see it then. 

In 2004, he got a new job at a company that he dreamed of working for, I encouraged him to apply. I supported him thought the interview, and was so excited when he got offered the position. He didn't think he would get it but I just stayed positive and it worked out. He was offered the job in July, and we got married in September. It was a whirlwind as he had to leave the Monday after we got married. This job took him from home a lot and that was hard, so I decided to give up our apartment in my home town and go on the road with him and live out of hotels so we could be together. That was tough, it was away from family, friends, he was working, so I was on my own. When he would get home he was always to tired to do anything so I was pretty much isolated to a hotel room. at the beginning of December I found out I was pregnant. We were going home to his family for Christmas but it would have been to early to tell anyone so we kept it to ourselves. Life had other plans. 

It was the December 26th 2004, I started having pain in my back, though out the day, it moved to my stomach and by 5pm I was doubled over in pain. Clark and his mom, lets call her Janet, rushed me to the hospital where we had to tell our secret, surprise we are pregnant and this could be an etopic pregnancy. They ruled that out and thought it may be kidney stones or something more serious so they decided to Lifeflight me to either Portland or Boise, I elected Boise, ID because I had all my family there for support. After lots of morphine, and pain meds, and tests, it was determined I had an ovary that flipped and died and had to go to Emergency surgery, and well again, SURPRISE we are pregnant. After all this, my Miracle baby was born July 30, 2005 Ceilee Faith 6lbs 10 oz and 19.5 inches long. It was the best day of my life!

From this moment on, I thought I would be mom, little did I know Janet would do everything she could to be mom to my little girl and go behind my back. If I said no, she said yes. If I looked away she would sneak things. It was beyond the "I'm grandma" stuff. it was buying my daughter whatever she wanted, undermining me to my husband, and even giving my 1 year old coffee because she could. She stole one of my ultrasound pictures to keep without asking, and not just anyone the best one of her whole little face, it was my 3D one. 

On January 3 2008 we welcomed my Son into the world Cody Mitchell, 7lbs 11oz 21 inches long. it was after he was born, she got even more aggressive and it became clear I was nothing more than an incubator to her. Every time I turned around she was doing the complete opposite of what I asked of for my kids. She would go to my husband and complain about me, or tell him things that happened but with an exaggeration. One example was when I was coaching. I left Ceilee in the 5th wheel we were living in that was parked at the house. I was going to finish the music for a performance and didn't know how long it would take. I asked my Mother in law if I should put her to bed in her bed or in the house. She said, go ahead and put her in her bed, we have a baby monitor and she is just right outside of my window. I finished about midnight and came right back. The next day I got my butt chewed for abandoning my baby in the camper all alone and no one knew she was there or where I was. That was my life. I could do nothing right, he was a god and I was nothing. 

Through my 6 year marriage, I was nothing more than a dog, who was to give him sex when and where he wanted it, I couldn't work and had to be available to go to a job site or pick him up from the airport whenever it was warranted and to take care of all the finances, house and children. Now that was the life. I mean it was horrible. He was super aggressive. There was one night, I drove 9 hours with 2 young kids across a state with 1 days notice. When I got to the hotel he wanted sex. I said no, by kids are at the bottom of the bed in the pack and play and I was tired. I was quickly woken up to him pleasing himself all over my back. I was furious and his response was, next time you will just have sex with me won't you. I didn't know there was such a thing a raping your wife, but man, I wish I had. There were many times that he would just take what he wanted that I became numb and would just roll over and let him because it was easier. I didn't enjoy sex, I hated it and it felt like a chore. 

By then I was broken, I thought this is just what married life was and I needed to accept it because well I loved him right. I wish I had known what love was back then, but instead I allowed him to treat me like this in the name of love. In an effort to not write a total book and I will touch back on specific stories, I will fast forward to 2009, he made the decision to end the marriage, leaving me with no job, and 2 kids and no education. we were officially divorced in May 2010 and you would think life would be a lot easier, however here is  2018 and I am still fighting my inner battles.

I am still dealing with custody court, getting anxiety attacks when he calls or text. He has a new wife, another 2 kids and he still feels the need to tear me down each chance he gets. I wish I could say this got better and had a happy ending, but honestly, I am still working on it. I see a councilor 1-2 times a month, I am 20,000 in debt from court, and yet I still wake up everyday and go one. Is it easy, no. Do I feel like it, No. Have I thought of suicide, yes, more times that I would like to admit. But my kids keep me going. I hope you can find some comfort knowing that you are not the only one going through this, or maybe your here because you want a good read. Overall I hope to be able to heal, as well as be a support to others. I am going to be raw, honest and transparent so please feel free to ask questions. Each week I will tell a different part of the story in hopes that I can tell my story and help someone in some way.