A day in the life
I always thought we were happy. We had 2 beautiful kids, he had a good job, and we had decent money. However we always seemed to be broke.
As I look back I realized that while I have always felt like it was all my fault, I see now that it was a lack of communication and him always having to keep up with the jones. I mean who wouldn't want that life when you are 25, your husband makes 120k a year and you have a beautiful 3300 square foot house, you don't have to work, or at least that's what he made you think when really it was so you could be at his disposal.
My husband was the youngest pilot ever hired at hiscompany, he was flying aircraft that only a handful of people in the world can do. Of course that would go to anyone's head right?
Well, it went to his head, it became a competition because Dave at work has this, and Brian has this, well I should have those things to. He changed with this job. He became someone that I didn't recognize. I mean, looking back I saw tendencies here and there, but when he got around all these guys at work, he really started becoming someone I didn't know. He was going to strip clubs, and eating steak dinners, and working out all the time, and needing $300 sunglasses and the best of the best. He could no longer stay in a cheap hotel, he needed the best western and the rental car.
Meanwhile, If I spend $12 on a pair of sunglasses I was greedy and materialistic and didn't' support him and didn't' understand what it was like to be away from home from his family. While I get that is difficult, he failed to understand that I was a single parent, I was left to handle all the late night feedings, the sick days, the nightmares, and everything in between.
Soon things became even more about him, I started feeling like an item to him. I had to put my life on hold to go to a job site if he wanted me to, or he would fly home and not check to see what the kids activities were or if I was free at a time (I coached for extra money and to have something for myself)it was his way or the high way. When he would come home it didn't matter if the kids had been sick and I had been up all night if he wanted sex, I had to give it up. I felt Raped almost every night, I looked forward to when he would leave, I would just lay there and I hated sex. How could you be raped when your married? that is your job as a wife right, to just roll over and let him have it whenever he wanted? so that's what I did.
I remember there was a time, I drove all day with my kids to Dallas Oregon. This was not an easy drive nor was it a short one. I had been in a car for 10+ hours alone with the kids to go see him. That night he wanted sex. I didn't because 1. I was exhausted and 2, I had my daughter in a pack an play at the base of the bed. I remember saying ok I would but once she fell asleep. My mistake was that I also fell asleep. To a normal person that would be it. To him, he took that as in invite to ejaculate all over my back because I fell asleep and he didn't get what he wanted. was I allowed to be angry, no I wasn't because how dare I fall asleep, he told me if I fell asleep he would do it so he did.
As I look back at how things were, I realized more and more how the little things really added up. I remember one time he got me a bracelet, but it was yellow gold, which he knew I hated and it had helicopter charms on it. It looked like something out of a vending machine. It was ugly, it was not anything I would ever wear and he was mad that I didn't LOVE it. I wish I had a picture of this thing It was horrible. He would do things like this to make it appear like a good gesture, but really it would be a shirt that was way to small and he knew it, or an ugly piece of jewelry that he knew I would never wear and then tear me down for never liking it or not fitting into it or just not wearing it.
Through out our whole marriage it was all about him, and his mom was the one that created that monster. He could do no wrong, if we got in a fight he would run to her, or she wouldn't like something I did so instead of coming to me she would run to him. mind you a lot of it was nothing of her business anyway. There were many times where his mom was put before me. Another good example was when I was pregnant with my daughter, I was so excited and I know his mom was to it was the first grandchild. The thing that really made me angry was she asked for one of the ultrasound pictures, umm hello, those were mine to give, but no, without asking me how I felt or what I though he let her pick. can you guess which one she picked, it was the best one so all I have now is a picture of my daughters hand, while she has the perfect profile. That was what always happened, they were two peas in a pod. We would go to their place on a weekend and hang out, I would be tired from being a single parent for the last 2-6 weeks and if I laid down instead of doing a puzzle with them they would make fun of me and constantly laugh at my expense. This was one of those things that I was really bothered by but again, it was a small thing not really worth picking a fight over.
When it came to him I was expected to like the same things he did, I was reprimanded by him for not liking coffee, because I didn't life coffee that meant that we couldn't drink it together in the morning. when I offered to do hot chocolate instead, that was not good enough. There were so many instances that through the 6 years of our marriage that slowly made me feel like less than I was. I no longer felt like me, because everything was about him. nothing was ever good enough and nothing ever would be.
As I look back I realized that while I have always felt like it was all my fault, I see now that it was a lack of communication and him always having to keep up with the jones. I mean who wouldn't want that life when you are 25, your husband makes 120k a year and you have a beautiful 3300 square foot house, you don't have to work, or at least that's what he made you think when really it was so you could be at his disposal.
My husband was the youngest pilot ever hired at hiscompany, he was flying aircraft that only a handful of people in the world can do. Of course that would go to anyone's head right?
Well, it went to his head, it became a competition because Dave at work has this, and Brian has this, well I should have those things to. He changed with this job. He became someone that I didn't recognize. I mean, looking back I saw tendencies here and there, but when he got around all these guys at work, he really started becoming someone I didn't know. He was going to strip clubs, and eating steak dinners, and working out all the time, and needing $300 sunglasses and the best of the best. He could no longer stay in a cheap hotel, he needed the best western and the rental car.
Meanwhile, If I spend $12 on a pair of sunglasses I was greedy and materialistic and didn't' support him and didn't' understand what it was like to be away from home from his family. While I get that is difficult, he failed to understand that I was a single parent, I was left to handle all the late night feedings, the sick days, the nightmares, and everything in between.
Soon things became even more about him, I started feeling like an item to him. I had to put my life on hold to go to a job site if he wanted me to, or he would fly home and not check to see what the kids activities were or if I was free at a time (I coached for extra money and to have something for myself)it was his way or the high way. When he would come home it didn't matter if the kids had been sick and I had been up all night if he wanted sex, I had to give it up. I felt Raped almost every night, I looked forward to when he would leave, I would just lay there and I hated sex. How could you be raped when your married? that is your job as a wife right, to just roll over and let him have it whenever he wanted? so that's what I did.
I remember there was a time, I drove all day with my kids to Dallas Oregon. This was not an easy drive nor was it a short one. I had been in a car for 10+ hours alone with the kids to go see him. That night he wanted sex. I didn't because 1. I was exhausted and 2, I had my daughter in a pack an play at the base of the bed. I remember saying ok I would but once she fell asleep. My mistake was that I also fell asleep. To a normal person that would be it. To him, he took that as in invite to ejaculate all over my back because I fell asleep and he didn't get what he wanted. was I allowed to be angry, no I wasn't because how dare I fall asleep, he told me if I fell asleep he would do it so he did.
As I look back at how things were, I realized more and more how the little things really added up. I remember one time he got me a bracelet, but it was yellow gold, which he knew I hated and it had helicopter charms on it. It looked like something out of a vending machine. It was ugly, it was not anything I would ever wear and he was mad that I didn't LOVE it. I wish I had a picture of this thing It was horrible. He would do things like this to make it appear like a good gesture, but really it would be a shirt that was way to small and he knew it, or an ugly piece of jewelry that he knew I would never wear and then tear me down for never liking it or not fitting into it or just not wearing it.
Through out our whole marriage it was all about him, and his mom was the one that created that monster. He could do no wrong, if we got in a fight he would run to her, or she wouldn't like something I did so instead of coming to me she would run to him. mind you a lot of it was nothing of her business anyway. There were many times where his mom was put before me. Another good example was when I was pregnant with my daughter, I was so excited and I know his mom was to it was the first grandchild. The thing that really made me angry was she asked for one of the ultrasound pictures, umm hello, those were mine to give, but no, without asking me how I felt or what I though he let her pick. can you guess which one she picked, it was the best one so all I have now is a picture of my daughters hand, while she has the perfect profile. That was what always happened, they were two peas in a pod. We would go to their place on a weekend and hang out, I would be tired from being a single parent for the last 2-6 weeks and if I laid down instead of doing a puzzle with them they would make fun of me and constantly laugh at my expense. This was one of those things that I was really bothered by but again, it was a small thing not really worth picking a fight over.
When it came to him I was expected to like the same things he did, I was reprimanded by him for not liking coffee, because I didn't life coffee that meant that we couldn't drink it together in the morning. when I offered to do hot chocolate instead, that was not good enough. There were so many instances that through the 6 years of our marriage that slowly made me feel like less than I was. I no longer felt like me, because everything was about him. nothing was ever good enough and nothing ever would be.
Comments
Post a Comment